A Way Back to Soul – Part 3

An observation: As a part of my last entry I asked, “…apart from seeing you attend religious services, how would anyone know you believed in a spiritual reality? I noticed that no one offered a response to this question in their comments.  Why do you suppose that is?   On to part 3…

Great religion seeks utter awareness and full consciousness, so that we can, in fact, receive all, even the sadness and tragedy of the world.

Richard Rohr, Everything Belongs…..

I’ve been describing the way I talk with people about their struggles with religion and spirituality. Often when people tell me they aren’t sure they still believe in God, I’ve found that often they mean that they no longer believe what they were taught about God and spiritual things.  When this comes up, I invite them to explore the topic by returning to some very fundamental questions.

If a person is open to this possibility of a “spiritual” reality, then I invite a response to these two questions,

1. Do you tend to believe that, if there is a spiritual reality, it is possible for us humans to connect to it?
2. If so, do you think it is probably good for us, perhaps even important, that we be connected to it?

Just as with the question about the existence of a spiritual reality, I find that most people think that it probably is possible, even important, to establish some sort of connection to this spiritual world.  Now things start getting dicey, because leads us in the direction of religion.

A religion is, simply put, a system for getting a person connected to this spiritual reality.  Every religion out there exists to offer you a sure-fire method for tapping into the spiritual world.  If there actually is a spiritual world, and if it actually is important for us to be connected to it, religion becomes rather important business — not to mention very confusing business.  You can repeat the common mantra, “I’m spiritual, but not religious,” all you want, but if you are doing anything whatsoever to develop your spirituality, then you are religious.  You may not be conventionally religious, but you are religious nonetheless (at least according my definition).  If, you claim to be spiritual, but aren’t doing anything to foster that dimension of your being, then I’d say the whole concept is pretty meaningless for you, but we’ll get back to that somewhere down the road.

In the next post I will continue this discussion of religion, but this is a good place to pause and ask for your thoughts.  I’d appreciate your reflections on the following questions:

1. If someone were able to observer your actions closely for a week, would he or she conclude you were religious?… spiritual?
   
2. If you are religious, how have your religious practices changed over time?
3. What are your current thoughts about the connection between spirituality and religion?

More on this confusing mess we call religion in the next post….

A Way Back to Soul – Part 2

In my last post I began a series which lays out how I talk with people about loss of faith (You can see that post here).  Thank you for posting your comments.  One pastor sent me note expressing that it seemed most of the comments focused on doubt, and he wondered if there was a need to distinguish between having doubts and experiencing a loss of faith.  As I’ve thought about this I’ve decided that maybe there is, but for now I’m going to let these two notions run alongside each other. On to part 2….

When clients express a loss of faith with me, I ask them if they’d be willing to explore that a bit.  Usually they say, “Sure.”

I explain that it can sometimes be helpful to cut through all the religious fog and get back to some very basic concepts.  I then ask something like this,

Do you think this physical reality is all there is?  Or do you tend to believe that there is probably “something more”  — something behind this material world that is, perhaps, even more “real?”

I don’t recall ever having anyone respond with, “Nope, I’m fairly convinced that reality is nothing more than molecules stuck together in the form of chairs, and cats, and brains, and barbecue grills.” If someone does believe that, it means the person is a Materialist.  In my opinion, most of us, regardless of our religious education, live as though we are indeed mere materialists. I still find it unusual for the people who come to see me willing to settle for this view of creation.

If the person resonates with the idea of a deeper reality, I will ask something like this,

Are you okay with me calling whatever this other something is “spiritual?”

Again, you won’t be shocked to know that most folks are okay with the word “spiritual,” though I’m always aware that this word carries all sorts of interesting baggage.  Sometimes we talk about that baggage — about how we’re taught early that “spiritual” is something one is supposed to be, and about all the confusing descriptions of spiritual that have been foisted upon us over the years.  Sometimes a person will recall someone at church who was considered very spiritual, and yet was one of the meanest neighbors in town Monday through Saturday.

Often the word “spiritual” is used to describe people who are simply dedicated to practicing religious behaviors, like attending church regularly and memorizing scripture, and making a tasty broccoli-cheese casserole for the Wednesday evening church supper. If someone was exposed to such shallow definitions as a child, then it’s no wonder that the word may touch off ambivalent thoughts and feelings.

I believe its good for all of us to reconsider, from time to time, what we think we mean when we talk about the existence of a spiritual reality.  Every time I revisit this concept, I realize how fluid my ideas are.

So, let me throw two questions at you:

1. Do you believe there is a spiritual reality behind this physical reality?
2. If so, apart from seeing you attend religious services, how would anyone know you believed in a spiritual reality?

I’ll value your responses in the comment section. (If you want your response to remain anonymous, just put something other than your name in the “name” field on the comment form).

Next time: Do you tend to believe that, if there is a spiritual reality, that it’s possible for us humans to connect to it?  If so, do you think its probably good for us, perhaps even important, that we be connected to it?

A Way Back to Soul – Part 1

A few weeks ago I was talking with some pastors about faith, and the loss of it.  We had all bumped up against those who had once believed in a loving God as described by the Christian tradition, but who had awakened to the realization that they had drifted away from that belief.

I’m not talking about angry people who had decided to reject God out of pain and disappointment with life, or depressed people who had lost any sense of connection.  I’m talking about very thoughtful, reflective people who admit to themselves, “I just don’t think I buy this God-thing anymore.”  These are individuals who often continue to attend services, usually because they enjoy the experience, and because this is where they see friends.

As a psychotherapist and pastoral counselor I run into this often.  Ministers, I’m convinced, find themselves in these conversations much less often than I do.  It seems that most parishioners simply can’t imagine admitting such a thing to the Professional-God-Follower (very few of my clients check the “you can contact my pastor” box on the intake form).

Well, in the aforementioned conversation with colleagues, I began to describe how I process this dilemma with my clients.  I also realized I had never written any of this down.

For the next several weeks I will describe the thoughts and I ideas I offer my clients when “loss of faith” comes up.  I would appreciate your feedback.  I’m sure there are weaknesses in my thinking, and I have found that all of you out there in cyberspace who take the time to muddle through things with me end up providing invaluable assistance.

I want to begin by asking you to respond to a couple of questions:

1. Have you, or would you, ever approach your pastor to discuss your own “loss of faith” issues?
   
2. Why or why not?

Please take a moment to respond (anonymously, if you prefer).  Several pastors keep up with this blog, and your thoughts could be of great help to them.

A Sermon for DaySpring

Sermon: Let’s Make a Deal

August 2, 2009

DaySpring Baptist Church

Waco, Texas

Lectionary:   2 Samuel 11:26 – 12:13a,  Psalm 51:1-12,  John 6:24-35

This will be a sermon in eight acts (don’t worry, some of the acts are very, very brief)

Prayer

Act One

Over the past few months I’ve discovered, and become addicted to, TV series on the computer.  I have no patience for watching these silly story lines develop week by week, but when I realized I could move through a year of episodes in a weekend… well…  It started with Dexter, and moved to Friday Night Lights.  I then discovered Heroes, and the latest has been Lost.  Lost is about the survivors of a plane crash who find themselves on a mysterious island where all sorts of odd things unfold.

Jenn and Scott Rushing lent me the first three seasons of Lost, and I’ve scrambled around on the Internet finding sites where I could watch the rest because I’m too cheap to buy or rent them.  Jenn unwittingly set the context for my viewing when she made the simple comment, “Every character is looking for redemption.”  This is indeed a central theme of the series, and Jenn’s comment allowed me to have my eyes open to it from the start rather than having to discover it along the way.

I haven’t tried to figure out who the psychological and theological consultants for the show are, but they are getting some good advice on how to portray the human spirit.  We’ll do anything to survive, but once we’ve figured out how to survive, we’re left with all the shame and wreckage of what we had to do to survive.  And if we don’t make peace with that shame and wreckage, we won’t be able to, well, survive.

Because the writers of Lost have so clearly understood this, a sub-theme of the show is “Let’s make a deal.” Sometimes its deal making to get critical supplies from the show’s opportunist who has collected everything of importance and then set up shop.  But as the series progresses the deal making becomes about life and death and the possibility of rescue.  You are stuck with the anxiety of realizing that some of the deals are purely manipulations.  You can never decide that any of characters can be completely trusted to keep their word.  Every one the show just wants to be rescued.

As corny as this sounds, “Ain’t that just like life?”

Few of us in this room have ever been up against actual physical survival – though some certainly have been.  What most of us have faced is emotional and spiritual survival. Sometimes we’re trying to survive what’s been done to us, and sometimes its about what we’ve done to ourselves.  Sometimes its about what we have done to others.  For most of us its a combination of all three.  All three paths hopefully lead us to an important awareness: I need to be rescued.  Or, to frame it theologically, I need redemption.

Act Two

I grew up in an era where the words “Go to your room and wait for your Father to come home” introduced me to my need for redemption.  The bigger you get, the bigger the mistakes you make.  Anyone here ever found themselves, as a teenager, driving home with a fresh traffic ticket for going 60 in a 30?  All you were doing was racing your buddy on the road that runs behind the elementary school.  You’ve got to explain this to your parents, and you know you need redemption.  Anyone here ever get a call from your parents that begins with, “We just got off the phone with the dean of academic affairs….” You know you need redemption.  Perhaps someone in this room has come home to a spouse who says, “Honey, you left your email up on the screen when you left, and we need to talk about this…”  Redemption, anyone?

Its not always what you’ve done.  Sometimes its what’s done to you.  Some of you here have heard me talk about what it was like to get a call from an IRS agent who asked, “Dr. Eades, can you explain why your agency has not made pay-roll tax payments for the last year?”  That question was my introduction to what an office manager had done to me, and I knew I needed redemption.

If we were to focus on relationships, you know how serious this whole redemption thing becomes.  So many of you here know what its like to break the promises you’ve made to the most important people in your life.  So many of you know what its like to be the recipient of those broken promises.  It doesn’t matter which side you are on in that crisis, you know you need redemption.

Act Three

At that moment, when the need for redemption hits you, you will have to make some hard choices.  The choices you make, in that critical moment, will shape your life.

You can choose to send the general to the front lines where he will most certainly be killed.

You can choose to tell everyone you are going to hike the Appalachian trail.

You can choose to build a private amusement park for children, or get a billion dollars worth of plastic surgery in the hopes that changing externals will somehow change the soul.

You get to choose.

And how you choose will shape your life.

You get to choose whether it will be honesty or a cover-up.

You get to choose whether it will be forgiveness or revenge.

You get to choose whether it will be excuses or responsibility.

You get to choose whether it will be engagement or avoidance.

You get to choose whether or not to play “Let’s make a Deal.”

We all think we want choices… when its about mint chocolate chip or butter brickle.  But when it comes to those moments that will truly shape your life… Are you willing to choose?

By the way, it seems to me that things go smoother if one makes the hard choices BEFORE Nathan shows up….

Act Four

Do you remember the time when you viewed people like David, or politicians, or entertainers with a certain amount of disgust?  How could they be so stupid?  How could they be so shallow?  How could they be so selfish?

Has Nathan come to visit you yet?  Have you had that moment when it dawned on you that you were more like them than you wanted to admit?  Do you remember when Psalm 51:10 became your prayer?  “Create a clean heart in me O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me.”  Have you ever been in a corner where that prayer was an anguished cry?  Do you remember wondering if you really meant it when you prayed it?  Or were you trying to play “Let’s make a deal.”

“God, get me outta this one and I’ll never…. well, probably never… well, maybe never…”

Act Five

Jesus knows human nature.  When the crowds follow him he says, “Oh come on.  You’re not here because you want redemption.  You’re here because you heard about that loaves and fishes thing, and now you want to play ‘Let’s make a deal.’”

If you grew up like me then you grew up with a steady message of “Jesus will redeem you.” But I’m here to tell you, in all the broken things I’ve done and that have been done to me, there’s not been a single time that Jesus came to me and said, “You just relax son, I’ll fix this for you.”  Whatever it means to say that “Jesus saves,” it clearly doesn’t mean that Jesus gets you off the hook.  Jesus doesn’t play “Let’s make a deal.” I wish he did, but he doesn’t.

Have you tried to play “Let’s make a deal.” with Jesus?  If you say you haven’t I’ll think you’re a liar.  Please, accept my apology ahead of time, because maybe you really never have tried to play “Let’s make a deal.” with Jesus.  I’m just saying that if you tell me you never have, I’ll think you’re a liar (unless you’re Katy Stokes).

Act Six

So, you’ve got World on one side saying, “Let’s make a deal, and maybe we can get you out of this one.” And you’ve got Jesus on the other hand saying, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”  My own life is a testimony to how hard it is to actually trust Jesus, but this is what our shared tradition asks us to trust.

Wouldn’t give Jesus a little extra leverage if he could guarantee that Nathan would indeed show up to give you the ol’ come-uppance?  You know, the “your sins will always find you out” deal, but that’s just not the case.

Most of you remember Charles Kurault, the beloved anchor of CBS Sunday morning.  He was one of the most trustworthy figures on national TV.  He drew millions to his television program.  He was so good natured… so inviting… so trustworthy.  Everyone was rather shocked to learn, upon his death, that he had a second, secret family with a woman in Montana. It sure doesn’t seem like he ever got the Nathan treatment.  Shoot, he pulled off the charade right up until they put him in the ground.

So, the truth is, you might just get away with “Let’s make a deal.”  We only hear about the folks who, like the congressman, get caught.

Besides, if Jesus was into using leverage, wouldn’t he just be playing “Let’s Make a Deal?”

Act Seven

What’s the hardest choice you face right now?  Which road likely leads toward redemption?  Which road would be your version “Let’s Make a Deal?”

What’s the hardest choice you face right now?

Act Eight

Would you sing with me?

Amazing grace how sweet the sound.

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I’m found.

Was blind, but now I see.

Amen.

For Reflection

We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.

- Thomas Merton

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.  Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit.

– Psalm 51: 1, 2, 3, 10, 12

Anxiety, Depression, and the Spiritual Journey slides and audio available

Thursday evening, June 18, over 50 people gathered at the St. Albans Community Outreach Center for this presentation. I want to express my appreciation to the WPPSC Board and to all who attended for creating a very energizing evening!

The audio and slides are now availabe HERE. You can get the basic points by scanning the slides. The audio offers more detail. (I’ve noticed that when I first click play that the audio starts, but then stops after a few seconds. When I click play again, it then plays the entire presentation.)

If you would like to be notified of upcoming presentations, please subscribe to the WPPSC blog using one of the options at the top of the right hand column of the WPPSC site.

Wes

Free Seminar: Anxiety, Depression, and the Spiritual Journey

Hello Friends,

On Thursday evening, June 18, the Waco Partnership for Psychological and Spiritual Care will be hosting my seminar titled “Anxiety, Depression, and the Spiritual Journey.”

Information and the RSVP link can be found HERE.

WPPSC is dedicated to fostering conversation about the integration of psychology and spirituality, and to raising funds to subsidize the cost of counseling for individuals who want to work with with spiritually informed therapists.  I hope you’ll look into this important work (and perhaps even make a donation!)

Wes

P.S.   Please pass this info along to your friends who wrestle with this issue, or have friends or family who do.

Trails, cabins, snakes, and faith

Wednesday morning, May 20, 2009 I was honored by an invitation to provide the opening “devotion” for the Baylor Admissions Department retreat.  Here’s what I offered…

Imagine you are hiking along one of the most amazing trails in the world, the Appalachian Trail. (see note at bottom).  Imagine that you are somewhere along this 2000 mile trek that stretches from Georgia to Maine, enjoying the sanctuary formed by a canopy of huge pines and decorated with colorful foliage.  You hike alone, taking in the sort of beauty that has convinced thousands of pilgrims that there must surely be a Loving Artist under girding creation.

You see the dark clouds forming in the distance, and the breeze in your face lets you know they are moving your way.  A sense of awe is mixed with a bit of anxiety as you see the first flash of lightning, and you realize a storm is approaching.  You’d said you wanted to the full experience of this trail, and it looks like your wish is coming true.

The sun is going down.  The light recedes quickly as the clouds move overhead.  You hear the thunderclap, and the first drops of rain splash on your face.  Thankfully, your map indicates a tiny wayside cabin is ahead, placed there for just such situations.

You bust through the cabin door just as the deluge hits.  You stumble straight across to the little cot, drop your pack, and lie down.  The huge smile on your face reflects both the joy of the experience and your dumb luck at having found shelter at just the right moment.  Exhaustion hits, so you roll over on your side, hoping to sleep despite the stormy symphony playing outside the little window.

And that’s when you see it.

In the dark, coiled right next to the door you have just entered through, is one of the biggest snakes you have ever seen in your life.

Suddenly every nerve ending in your body is firing.  “Oh my God!” You stare at the calm creature, trying to make out any sort of markings that would give you a hint about just what level of danger you are in.  But it’s too dark.  An occasional lightning flash offers a bit of light, but to no avail.  You don’t know if it’s a copperhead or just some big ol’ garden snake.  “What can I do?” There’s nothing you can do, except lie there as motionless as possible, and hope that whatever energy your entry might have stirred in the little monster has dissipated.  You simply pray that you don’t look like food.

Minutes pass, though they seem like hours.  You can’t keep your eyes quite open, but you sure as heck can’t let them completely close.

The full force of the storm is now right overhead.  And suddenly a lightning bolt illuminates the tiny cabin like a football stadium.  The shock of light lasts for only 3 seconds, but that three seconds is more than enough time for you to reach a startling conclusion.  “That’s not a snake, that’s a coil of rope?!” And once more you mutter, “Oh my God!”

The near-pitch dark returns.  Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.  It still LOOKs like a snake by the door, but now you know.  You know that you know.  You know that you can go to sleep, and continue your adventure in the morning.

“One day on my way to Damascus, armed as always with papers from the high priests authorizing my action, right in the middle of the day a blaze of light, light outshining the sun, poured out of the sky on me and my companions. Oh, King, it was so bright! We fell flat on our faces. Then I heard a voice in Hebrew: ‘Saul, Saul, why are you out to get me? Why do you insist on going against the grain?’

”I said, ‘Who are you, Master?’

“The voice answered, ‘I am Jesus, the One you’re hunting down like an animal. But now, up on your feet—I have a job for you. I’ve handpicked you to be a servant and witness to what’s happened today, and to what I am going to show you.

“‘I’m sending you off to open the eyes of the outsiders so they can see the difference between dark and light, and choose light, see the difference between Satan and God, and choose God. I’m sending you off to present my offer of sins forgiven, and a place in the family, inviting them into the company of those who begin real living by believing in me.’         Acts 26:12-18 (The Message)

Richard Rohr says that there are experiences in life that have the capacity to break through the darkness, and leave us with a new level of conviction.  Rohr notes that these experiences seem to almost always involve some sort of suffering, some sense of being very stuck, and fearing that life is very meaningless.  These are often times when all of our religious knowledge proves to be quite impotent in bringing us comfort or a sense of direction.

People with terminal illnesses often describe such experiences.  You’ve heard it, and maybe you’ve experienced it yourself.  All options have been exhausted, and then something illuminates the dark corners of the soul, and the person says, “It’s going to be okay.  I just know.  I just know that I know.”

When I sit with a group like this, there are some things I know without having to know any of you personally.

• I know that some of you here have lost touch with the sense of deep conviction about the God’s redemptive work in you and in this world.
• I know that some of you carry that sense of conviction and hope, and feel frustrated about how to communicate it to those closest to you and to those whom you serve.
• And I know that some of you wonder if you’ve ever had any sort of experience that has imparted this sort of confidence.

Regardless of how you see yourself right now, I do know this.  The Christian tradition teaches that these moments of knowing almost always have some sort of connection to community.  And they almost always happen to those who are open and mindful of the possibilities.

You are gathered here, at this very moment, as a community.  You are gathered under the umbrella of an institution that is committed to injecting faith into a very secular world.  And I am convinced that if you are open and mindful, that this day holds the potential for surprise and wonder.  Who knows, you might discover that the coworker you’ve imagine is a snake is actually… well….

Let us pray,

Loving God,

You know us thoroughly, and so know what each of us needs from this day.  You have far too much respect for us to force any sort of illumination upon us, but you seem to be very willing to offer small peeks into eternity to those who are paying attention, to those who are open and mindful.  I ask you to poke each person here toward an extra measure of mindfulness, and I ask you to draw them together as we offer together the prayer you taught us, praying

Our Father, which art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name;

thy kingdom come;

thy will be done,

in earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive them that trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation;

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,

the power, and the glory,

for ever and ever.                              Amen

_________________________________

Note: The image of the cabin is from Ken Wilber.  I’ve elaborated on his idea.

The Final Parenting Class Post

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

OMG!  Our class has wrapped up rather abruptly!  I intended to hold our final class this coming Sunday, but then discovered that a new round of adult classes was beginning.  So, this is the last post for the class.  I’ll summarize our session this past Sunday, offer a couple of links related to the topic of Chores and Allowances, and include one last link related to sex.

This past Sunday I asked, “So how’s it going with your experiments.”  I think three central ideas emerged.  First, that it can be very hard to come up with creative approaches.  Second, it can be very hard to follow through.  Third, things get a bit complicated if the parents don’t share the concern.

For example, let’s consider the age old issue of expecting kids to help keep shared areas uncluttered.  The “classic” L&L approach would perhaps be to simply let kids know that any stuff left out at bedtime would be taken to Goodwill the next morning.  If the kids don’t pick up their stuff, then eventually the goal is reached by the mere fact that everything the kids own will be confiscated, and there won’t be any thing left to clutter with!  However, we admitted that it’s a lot of trouble to go to Goodwill every day, and we DID spend money on all that stuff, and we really don’t want to put up with the conflict that this generates!  Although this can be an effective approach, we also wondered what it would be like to make the consequence an interruption of an enjoyable bedtime routine.  What if mom or dad said, “I can either spend time reading to you or cleaning up after you.  Which would you prefer?” We also acknowledged that it can add a bit more interest to the process if one of the parents just doesn’t care about the clutter!

I reminded the group that its VERY important to let go of the goal of teaching your kids a lesson.  The goal MUST be for you to take good care of yourself by insisting on maintaining the sort of atmosphere in your home that YOU want.  The theory is that your kids will learn the lessons as a by product of you taking good care of yourself.  When you make the goal to teach them a lesson then you foster unnecessary resistance.

Chores and Allowances

My wife and I have approached this in various ways over the years.  Here’s the approach I developed a long time ago: A System for Handling Chores and Allowances. Many families have told me this approach has worked well for them, and it worked pretty good for us for a while also.  It worked best for us when all our kids were school age and when we had a family meeting every Sunday night to dispense allowances.  Dave Ramsey’s approach is a little different, and can be reviewed HERE.

One Last Resource Related to Sex

My trusty assistant , Jenn, found this link and passed it on to me:  How to Talk with your Kids about Sex. This article summarizes a conversation with Dr. Laura Berman on Oprah.  The ideas are generally consistent with what we’ve discussed in class, and includes some very interesting survey information.

Let me close by expressing gratitude to all those who participated in the class each Sunday, and to all of you who participated through this blog or by emailing me.  I would enjoy recreating this experience for any local groups, so please let me know if you believe this sort of parenting class would serve your congregation.

Peace,

Wes

Talking to Kids about Sex

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

Its early Sunday morning, and the most magnificent storm has just passed through Waco America.  I’m smiling at the thought of kids all over McLennan county having scrambled to find comfort snuggled next to a warm parent…

This morning the parenting class will be discussing sex.  I’ve asked them to read Even Evangelical Teens Do It: How religious beliefs do, and don’t, influence sexual behavior. This article is a reflection on the work of Mark Regnerus and his book Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers.

I’ve not had a chance to read the book myself, but I’ve been reading reviews, along with interviews with Regnerus, and it would seem that the reader’s summary of salient points (see previous post) is right on the mark.

This leads me to conclude that there are two key elements involved in positive sex education.  Parents can control one of these elements, but can only influence the other.

1. The behavior of the parents.
2. Involvement in a peer group.

The Behavior of Parents

The first element, and this one will shock you, Kids are actually learning about sex by watching how their parents behave! I know… the idea that kids learn more about life by watching what their parents actually do, rather than by what they say, is a rather odd and scary concept, but it seems to be true.  And this is especially important where sex is concerned because sex is the only behavior in our culture that a child is not allowed to learn through modeling! Think about it.  A little boy gets to learn how to use a toilet by standing next to his dad and watching how his dad uses the toilet.  (Of course, since a portion of this education involves the ancient male art of stream “sword fighting,” women still often end up frustrated, but I digress.)

Since kids don’t get to watch what actually goes on behind closed doors, they are especially influenced by what they are seeing in front of those doors.  If kids watch loving and affectionate parents flirt and connect in appropriate ways, and hear those parents talking about sex in playful and respectful ways, then they are more likely to internalize a positive view of their own sexuality.

Parents get to control this aspect of sex education.  You, as a spouse and parent, get to decide what your kids will see.  I spent the first few weeks of the course asking parents to look at themselves and their experiences and attitudes regarding parenting in general.  I’d say that this inner reflection is especially important when it comes to sex.  Most of us have to admit that we’ve brought some pretty screwy ideas about sex in to adulthood.  If we don’t take some time to get conscious of these ideas, then we’ll simply pass them on to our children.

So, the question is, what are your kids learning about sex by watching you?

The Peer Group

This one can be more frustrating.  Although you can certainly influence what groups your child will connect with, you cannot force it.  You can influence what sort of youth group is available at your place of worship, and you can make sure your child attends the activities of that group.  However, you cannot insure that your child will connect to that youth group in a way that influences his or her behavior.  Also, as someone with ten years of experience as a youth minister, I can assure you that there is no magic formula for getting kids to connect.  I just know that some decide that the youth group will be their core group, and others don’t.  I watched this as a youth minister, and as a parent.

One Basic Principal: First messages are more powerful than correct messages.

A friend of mine in advertising once told me, “Its more important to be first than to be best.” This has important implications for talking with our kids about sex.  Ideally, we would offer our kids information about sex in age-appropriate doses.  However, whether we like it or not, once our kids hit school, they are going to get all sorts of distorted messages about sex from their peers.  Because of this, I think its important that, by the age of four, a child understands what a penis is and what a vagina is.  Not only that, a child needs to understand how these two interesting organs interact geographically to produce babies (and STDs).

I expect some folks to disagree with me on this approach, but I’m going to stand by it until someone offers me a compelling reason to rethink it.  Besides, talking to my son when he was quite young led to a couple of the most precious comments I’ve ever heard.  At the end of one of our talks I asked my very young son if he had any questions, to which he responded, “Yes… why does Wayne get to have the fan pointed at his bed?”  At the end of another of our conversations he offered, “Oh…. So you and mom have done that three times?”  You’ll be glad to know that I resisted responding, “Son, you are closer to right than you can possibly understand at your tender age.”

peace,

Wes

A Great Resource on Kids and Sexuality

A reader of this blog sent me the following in response to my request for resources related to this weeks parenting class topic: How and When to Talk with your Kids about Sex.

Mark Regnerus (soc prof. at UT-Austin) has done considerable work on religious American teens and sexuality.  Below is some rough recounting from his book “Forbidden Fruit”:

• Nationally, Evangelical teens actually lose their virginity at higher than average rates.  There is a disconnect between what teens believe and what they do.
• Believing pre-marital sex is wrong, holding Christian beliefs, church attendance, youth groups, or “the pledge” are not enough to help teens save themselves for marriage.  Tight-knit communities of like-minded peers and involved parents and adults seem to be what make more of a difference.
• Evangelical parents generally don’t talk to their kids about sex and if they do it’s generally brief: “just don’t do it.”  Regnerus finds this approach inadequate in deterring teen sex.
• Churches give the message “don’t do it” or “sex in marriage is so romantically wonderful.”  This is neither believable (based on what teens observe in parents and Christian adults) nor enough to counter cultural messages, opportunities, and urges.
  

Regnerus suggests that, along with the tight-knit community component, teens need deeper theological underpinning, eg we’re bought with a price, our bodies are temples.

Link to his work: http://www.markregnerus.com

Thanks Sam!

If you know of other important resources, please post them in the comments section.

Wes