An Interlude on Faith Development

The following essay was stimulated by a concept from Ken Wilbur that I came across in one of his books, though I can’t recall which!

Part One

You awaken in a recliner.  As the fog clears from your fuzzy mind your eyes focus on the ceiling high above you. Fluorescent lights form a grid across the expanse some 15 feet overhead.  You lean forward in the recliner and take in the scene.  You are in a warehouse.  There’s furniture scattered all around you.

You begin to wander (wonder?) among the chairs and tables and desks.  There’s a old twin bed over there.  You see a television against one wall.  There’s a cool stereo system next to a refrigerator.  Your shoes clack on the old hardwood floors.  Your steps create a slight echo as the sound bounces off the brick walls..  Your attention is drawn to the sunlight streaming through narrow windows that run along the top of the walls.

You notice the bed stand not too far from the bed, so you begin to push it closer.  You’re not sure why, but it just seems like you ought to go ahead and move that bed stand next to the bed.  “That lamp over there would look nice on the bed stand,” you think.

As the sun is setting you’ve created a very cozy sitting area over in one corner.  There’s an old leather couch that matches the recliner.  They are now arranged with the TV and stereo, and a couple of end tables.  The ice tea you found in the fridge has filled a glass that sits on the coffee table.  And there’s a can of mixed nuts you came across in that old, free standing pantry.  You settle in to watch a documentary on the evolution of rock and roll in America.  You think, “Tomorrow I’m going to push all the kitchen stuff over there where the light was bright earlier.”

You spend day after day of creative energy moving all of this interesting furniture around on this interesting warehouse floor.  You smile when you come across a stash of artwork.  There’s a funky, colorful print that’s sort of Picasso-ish.  You come across three large Ansel Adams posters set in large black frames.  And there’s that detail from the Sistine chapel… the one that always makes you think, “Pull my finger.”  You feel a tinge of sacrilegious guilt, but you’re smiling.  As the art goes up on the walls, and the various ceramic pieces are placed on tables where they can be properly admired, your sense of completion begins to take hold.

You’ve taken great delight in moving, organizing, and reorganizing your floor.  You’re office is over by that one bay window.  The bedroom is over in that corner that receives the least light.  The kitchen has shifted around the space, and now seems perfect right in the middle of the room (“Just how does the water and sink manage to function properly wherever I move the kitchen? I guess I’ll just let it be magic until I have time to figure it out…”)

As you step out from a long, hot shower you survey your floor and think, “I do believe I’ve got it just how I want it.”  You put on warm pajamas and settle back in the that recliner.  A favorite old movie is starting.  You doze off with a great sense of contentment.

Part Two

You awaken with a start.  An odd tingle of anxiety is gnawing at you.  You rise from that friendly recliner and take in your space – your well organized, satisfying space.  You begin to wander (wonder?) around the warehouse floor as you’ve done countless times, only this time you feel pushed…. You feel pushed along by some odd mix of anxiety and curiosity.  You don’t know what you’re looking for.  You just know you are supposed to be looking.

You glance at the space you left behind the bookcases.  “Is that..?  I believe it is… an elevator door?”  The shiny silver door seems so out of place. “How did I not see that before?”  There’s one single button: a circle; with an arrow; pointing up.

You press the button.  The door slides open. You step on.  The door slides shut, and you feel that subtle pull that let’s you know you are rising. “It never occurred to me that this warehouse had another floor.”  The door opens.  And you immediately take in the scene.  There’s furniture scattered all over the floor.  You step out.  Off to your left is a recliner.  Its different from your recliner, but it looks comfortable.  To right is a coffee table, and you think, “That coffee table needs to be over there next to that recliner.”

Part Three

“Let me think… is this my fourth floor or my fifth floor?”  You’re breaking a sweat as you shove that huge, oak armoire across the slick wood floor so it can sit next to the king size bed with the iron frame.  “This is the first time I’ve had a king size bed.”
“Where did I see that funky reading lamp?”
“I wonder how many floors are in this….”

Wait….

“How many floors…?”
“I wonder why THAT question never occurred to me before?”

An Alternate Part Two

You awaken with a start.  An odd tingle of anxiety is gnawing at you.  You rise from that friendly recliner and take in your space – your well organized, satisfying space.  You begin to wander (wonder?) around the warehouse floor as you’ve done countless times, only this time you feel pushed…. You feel pushed along by some odd mix of anxiety and curiosity.  You don’t know what you’re looking for.  You just know you are supposed to be looking.

You glance at the space you left behind the bookcases.  “Is that..?  I believe it is… an elevator door?”  The shiny silver door seems so out of place. “How did I not see that before?”  There’s one single button: a circle; with an arrow; pointing up.

You press the button.  The door slides open. You step on.  The door slides shut, and you feel that subtle pull that let’s you know you are rising. “It never occurred to me that this warehouse had another floor.”  The door opens.  And you immediately take in the scene.  There’s furniture scattered all over the floor.  You step out.  Off to your left is a recliner.
Suddenly you begin to sweat.  Your heart is racing.  Your ears are ringing.

You take two steps back.  You’re again standing in the elevator.  You look frantically to the left of the door, “Yes… a down button… a down button… push the down button…”

Your heart slows as you feel the descent.  The door opens and you race out of the elevator and straight to your recliner.  You click on the TV with the remote.  Your favorite team is playing.  Good… your favorite team…  You pull the quilt over you and snuggle deeply into the recliner, as though it were a womb.  An odd fragment of Gaelic poetry drifts though your mind as conscious fades.

Deep is the sleep of the dead;
…..low their pillow of dust.
……….No more shall he hear thy voice;
……………no more shall he awake at thy call.

On Raising Narcissistic Kiddos…

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

The class has now moved into a time of discussing the particular parenting issues that the participants want to address.  We’ll be discussing the challenges that each parent brings and then ask something like, “What would Foster do?” (WWFD?).  We fully expect that, in one month from now, everyone will be reporting that an incredible calm has descended and that the children will all be polite, well-behaved, and reading Ralph Waldo Emerson poems.

So, I’m going to use this blog to throw some random ideas out there to keep everyone thinking.  For instance, this week I’d like to direct you to a blog entry by The Last Psychiatrist titled Are Schools Breeding Narcissism?

Readers rag on TLP for finding narcissism under every rock and behind every tree, and we all know that if the only tool you have is a hammer, then everything is going to look like a nail.  Yet, TLP consistently offers keen insight into a question that the ACT therapy people also raise: How is it that we humans have turned out to be the only animals on the planet who can have all their basic needs met, and yet still be remarkably miserable?

Here are a few excerpts from Are Schools Breeding Narcissism? (I’m the one who has added bold to some of the lines in order to reveal my narcissistic need to point out to you what you should be paying attention to – or is the proper grammar “to which you should be paying attention?”)

The kids didn’t sign up for the self-esteem classes because it was pass/fail and fit in 3rd period.  Adults made a collective decision that this was going to be the core educational philosophy from which everything else would be derived.  So?  What did adults think was wrong with the way they were raised that they thought self-esteem was so important?

…the real problem is the cultural mindset that thought up self-esteem training– and a million other things.  Even if we stopped promoting self-esteem in schools, the kids are still going to have to watch TV created by these same adults; learn about other cultures from them; learn how to manage money from them; learn that the worth of the individual from them; learn whether killing is right or wrong, and when, from them.  Not directly from them, of course, which would actually be a dialogue worth trying out; but by osmosis, from living in the world that adults have created for themselves, that kids have no choice but to live in.

Here’s an example.  I’m down at the playground stalking pedophiles, and I observe that all of the kids are there with a parent, and most of them are with both of their parents.  The parents are actively playing, too, they’re not just sitting on the benches socializing.   Wow, I think, there are actually more parents than kids on this playground.  My parents would never have played with me/us like that.  If they actually came (they never would have) they would have sat on the benches.  Socializing.  …  But they are so physically close to each other that it is visibly weird that they are not talking to each other; they must each have made a conscious decision not to interact.  And then, it hits me: the reason these parents are playing with their kids and not on the benches is in order not to interact with the other parents.  They’re using their kids as human shields.   They don’t know how to have a personal but not intimate interaction with another adult, they can’t figure the boundaries.  All they know is stranger, friend and sex.  All they know are roles.

Self-esteem training is besides the point: how are kids going to not become narcissists when their parents train them on purpose to avoid meaningful interactions with strangers?

…the focus on children’s self-esteem is the mechanism by which the parents protect themselves.  If my kid is happy, then I have a happy kid; I don’t have to do anything.  It’s the parents who feel entitled- to having a happy kid.

Any thoughts?

The Basics of L&L Parenting

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

Last week I asked members of the class to identify a particular parenting concern on which they’d like to focus.   I’m imaging things like:

• I’d like for my two year old to stop throwing food on the floor.
• I’d like for my 8 year old to clean up his room.
• I’d like for my 14 year old to take more responsibility for her grades.
• I’d like for my 9 year old to stop driving himself to Toys-R-Us when we’re not looking.

I also asked the parents to start working through the Parenting Experiment Worksheet as a sort of consciousness raising exercise related to this issue.

This morning I’ll be reviewing the basic principles of Love and Logic Parenting from Cline and Fay’s book.

Here’s the handout:

Basic Principles of Love and Logic Parenting

Six Components of Love and Logic

1. Share control.
2. Kids do more thinking than you do.
3. Parents talk about what they are willing to do; not what the kid’s can’t do.
4. Parents take good care of themselves and set the right model.
5. Consequence / empathy formula.
6. Self-concept is maintained

Three Rules of Love and Logic

1. Set limits through enforceable statements.
2. Give choices when possible.
3. Let consequences with sorrow do the teaching.

How Do We Teach Children Responsibility?

1. Give the child a chore or job that he or she can probably handle.
   • “How will you know when your chores are finished?”
   • “What are you expecting of yourself?”
   • “What are your hopes here?”
   • “What are others expecting?”
2. Hope the child makes a mistake.
   • “What did you learn from this?”
   • “How will you do it differently next time?”
   • “What will the consequences of this be?”
3. The adult responds with empathy and consequences.
   • The adult need only set consequences if the mistake involves him directly.
   • Most mistakes have their own consequences.
   • “What a bummer! I bet you feel bad about that!”
4. Let the child try the same job again.
   • This says we all learn from our mistakes.
   • It gives the child the “can do” message.

“One Liners”

1. I know…or…I understand
2. What are you going to do?
3. Nice try…
4. I don’t know…
5. Bummer , how sad…
6. Thanks for sharing
7. That’s an option
8. This is serious…you probably should do something about that
9. I’ll get back to you on that
10. I’m not sure how to react to that
11. Don’t worry about it now…
12. What do you think I think about that
13. Won’t it be fun to see how that works for you
14. …and what did I say?
15. Thanks for sharing your feelings…it’s kind of irrelevant, but thanks just the same…

I want to point out how important it is that the “one liners” be offered in the right spirit.  If you are angry and frustrated, then these pithy little statements will just come off as snarky.  Its SO important that we parents are doing our inner work, letting go of our need for our children to meet any needs we have to feel appreciated by them or in control of them.

If we parent in this way, then we are going to watch our children deal with a fair amount of pain and frustration.  Genuine empathy is very important, and I invite you to be curious about what’s going on inside of you if that empathy seems hard to come by.

What kind of kid do you hope to develop?

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

Okay, I’m running way behind this week, so this entry is a bit disjointed.  What you’ll find below is:

1. The responses from an email request.
2. My outline from the class
3. The assignment for this coming Sunday.

Responses from email request

Last week I asked members of the class to email the sorts of character traits they hoped to help their children develop. The list that came out of that request was

• I always pray that my children will grow up to have Compassion, Good Judgment, and a Healthy Sense of Self Worth.
• I want my children to be able to make and keep promises.
• I want my children to be respectful, considerate, and polite.
• I want my children to appreciate the simple things and be thankful for what they have.
• I want my children to know who God is and understand why it is so powerful that He loves them more than I do.
• I want my children to have strength of character—meaning they won’t be choosing the right things because I told them to, but because they choose it. (and I know this won’t happen until later…)
• I want my children to grasp stillness and quietness and seek it, but without the seeking turning into complete solitude.
• I want my boys to be unafraid — minus healthy fear, i.e., ovens, jumping off cliffs, etc. — but unafraid to talk, feel, have an opinion, speak up.
• I want my child to be a person who is polite to others and can treat people with respect.
• I want my child to be an unselfish, giving person.
• I want my child to be responsible.
• I want my child to have confidence in his abilities.
• I want my child to be someone other people enjoy being around.
• I want my child to be an honest person.
• I want my children to be able to be themselves — authentic, real, free to be who they truly are, not constrained by someone else’s (or society’s) ideals or standards.
• In my parenting I’m hoping to create people who think well, love well, and act well–in other words, people who are good thinkers, good lovers, and good doers.
• I want my children to have the cardinal virtues, i.e., faith, hope, love, wisdom, temperance, courage and justice.
• I want my children to be followers of Jesus. I want my children to glorify God and enjoy him forever. (Maybe these are all the same.)
• I want my children to be well-educated and emotionally mature enough to pursue any future God calls them to, and I want them to be thoughtful and sensitive enough to listen for God’s call.
• I want them to question everything.
• I want them to fear nothing, and to settle for nothing.
• I want them to be hard workers. I want them to be open to anything beautiful and worthy, and to have no taste at all for unholy, debasing things.
• I want their family to be a rock for them–an unmovable, unshakable, solid support–and I want them to know it.
• I want them to realize every once of potential they have for excellence, and to do it all not only for their own sake but also for the sake of Christ’s Kingdom.
• Maybe the only short answer that works: I want them to be, in a word, blessed.

Its a great list.  Who wouldn’t want to their children to live out of these virtues? What would you add?

An important question:  To what degree to your children see you living out of these virtues?

My outline

I heard someone say one that the single most important question that everyone person must answer is: Would you rather people respect you or like you?

You know what the answer is supposed to be, but if I could watch your closely for one week, what you do you think I would conclude?

I want to suggest that the single most important question that a parent much ask is:  Would you rather your children lives of meaning or lives that are happy?

You know what your answer is supposed to be, but if I watched you deal with your children for one week, what do you believe I would conclude?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

1. Human beings are the only creatures on earth that can have all basic needs met, and yet still experience profound levels of anxiety and depression.
2. Life is hard, and so inevitably throws challenges, sometimes traumatic challenges, in our paths.
3. “The brain is an organ designed for survival, not for understanding.” (paraphrase of E.O. Wilson)
   • The human “mind” has evolved over centuries to keep a person safe and alive.
   • We are wired to avoid all situations that our minds assess as dangerous in any way.
4. When people make “happiness” the primary goal, then the mind is subconsciously primed for pain avoidance.
5. When people make “meaning” the goal, the mind is subconsciously primed to acceptance pain.
6. Research suggests that people who accept pain and make their goal to live a meaningful life report more happiness and contentment than those who make happiness the goal.
7. You cannot live a meaningful life unless you are willing to be wounded.

ACT Model for moving towards a meaningful life

1. Develop basic mindfulness.
2. Clarify your values in each of the 10 core areas of life
   • Family relations.
   • Marriage/couples/intimate relations.
   • Parenting.
   • Friendships/social life.
   • Career/employment.
   • Education/personal growth and development.
   • Recreation/fun/leisure.
   • Spirituality.
   • Citizenship/ environment/ community life.
   • Health/physical well-being.
3. Indentify key behaviors associated with each value.
4. Commit to acting on those behaviors in the face of discomfort, pain, or suffering.

Assignment for this Sunday

I asked the parents to choose a particular behavior or issue of one of their children that they would like to work on.  I asked them to work through the following worksheet as they considered this behavior:  The Parenting Experiment Worksheet

Now… muddle forth!

Parenting and the Alienation Cycle

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

This morning the paticipants in the parenting class and I will be looking at the chart that’s in THIS previous blog entry.  I’ll be focusing the conversation on how the alienation cycle might help us understand how conflicts around parenting develop and take hold.

Let me begin by insisting that your kids will become pawns in how you manage your personal anxiety, as well as in how you and your spouse handle the anxiety in your relationship.  I know that its theoretically possible to avoid this, but consider Mary and Jesus.  The Christian tradition tells us that Mary knew exactly who Jesus was and what he was up to in the universe, yet this wasn’t enough to keep her from telling him how to behave at weddings!

There are so many directions to take with the chart with regards to parenting, but I’ll be focusing on two elements:

1. What did the family you grew up in teach you about parenting, and especially about the differences between how a mom “should” parent and a dad “should” parent?
2. What do you understand about your most reactive response to anxiety?  Do you tend to attack, withdraw, or give up Self?
   

When a couple can work together to become more conscious and mindful of these issues, then parenting skills will almost certainly improve.

For example, the Love and Logic approach begins with the assumption that children MUST have the opportunity to take thoughtful risks and experience failure while they are young… while the consequences of failure are fairly mild.  And yet, they must have these experiences within a context of genuine empathy. Consider:

• If you tend to attack in the face of anxiety, then it could be very hard for you to avoid angry lectures when your kids don’t have the good sense to follow your wise suggestions.
• If you tend to withdraw, then it could be hard for you to avoid becoming cold and distant when your kids don’t live up to your expectations.
• If you tend to give up Self, then it could be hard for you avoid blaming and berating yourself when your children make choices that create a bit of suffering for them.

I suspect that each of the three challenges above correlates with three different styles of ineffective parenting (I say suspect, because there’s really no research to support this.  You DO realize that there’s virtually no solid research that backs up much of anything in the psychotherapy, don’t you?)

• Parents who tend to get aggressive when anxious may be more likely to be Drill Sergeants who create a rigid set of rules keep the kids inside of a very small and well-secured “playground.”
• Parents who tend to withdraw when anxious may be more likely to become Ivory Tower  Parents who shout advice from a distance, but with very little empathy and connection.
  
• Parents who tend to give up Self may be more likely to become Helicopters Parents who hover around the kids, directing them around every pothole while ignoring their own needs.
  

Okay… now help me here.  The terms “drill sergeant parents” and “helicopter parents” have been around forever.  But I just made up the term “ivory tower parents.”  I’d like to think that its because I’m brilliant, but the truth is, I just have this obsessive need for everything to fit, and since I’m suggesting three primary ways of coping with anxiety (attack, withdraw, give up), then there MUST be three correlating styles of parenting… right?  I mean… its all gotta fit… right?  And if doesn’t quite fit, then you gotta make it fit… right?  And who can guess which type of dysfunctional parenting style I wrestle with!?

Letting Our Children Fail

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

Last week we watched most of Foster Cline’s video, “Daring to Parent in the Nineties,” and it was enjoyed by everyone.  We’ll be watching the last 10 minutes this morning, and then I’ll be asking two questions:

1. What are we afraid would happen if we actually parented in the way Foster recommends?
2. Just what sort of adults are we hoping to create anyway?

You can learn more about Foster’s approach to parenting by reading Parenting with Love and Logic.  This morning I’ll be reviewing a few central points he made in video that he also makes in the book.

Foster begins by noting that there is no approach to parenting that guarantees positive outcomes.  There are parents who appear to do everything “right,” and yet end up with a mess on their hands.  There are parents who appear to do everything “wrong,” and yet end up with responsible, productive children who become responsible, productive adults.  Foster says the best we can hope for is to tilt the odds in our favor.

Foster’s approach to tilting the odds begins with communicating three basic messages to our kids:

1. I love you.
2. If you have any questions, please ask.
3. Good luck in life.

He then goes on to say that these messages are best embodied when we:

1. Allow our children to learn how to take thoughtful risks by allowing them to fail.
2. Model the behavior we hope to teach them, which mostly involves acting on our values and taking good care of ourselves.

Foster points out that the poor choices children make prior to adolescence are rarely devastating, while poor choices made in the teen years can indeed be traumatic, altering and limiting life in very painful ways.  So, it makes sense to let our kids learn about making choices and experiencing consequences when they are young.

Trouble is, we parents gets anxious… and we rescue.

If you’ve been following this blog, then you already know that I believe almost everything about life comes down to how we address, manage, and transform our anxiety.  This is as true with regards to how we parent as it is for anything in life.

You cannot teach your kids how to think, and how to take thoughtful risks unless you are willing to watch them hurt.  You cannot offer them the joy of succeeding if you are not willing to allow them the pain of failure.  And, when they are young, YOU will be enmeshed with that pain and failure in their little muddled heads.

When you “reposses” that CD player because Johnny failed to pay you back the money you lent him to buy it, then YOU will be the “bad guy.”  We each have to decide if its worth teaching Johnny that lesson in relationship to someone who loves him as opposed to having him learn it in relationship to the bank which is repossessing his first car. (And let me just note here that if Mom and Dad are not on the same page, these hard choices can become a source of deep conflict in the marriage.)

I’ve made passing references to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in the class.  The ACT folks use the image of two inner “dials” with which we all contend.  One is the discomfort dial and the other is the willingness dial.  Mature people are able to turn up the willingness dial even with the discomfort dial is set uncomfortably high.  If we use this image in the context of parenting, the question becomes…

What do you notice about your ability to keep your hand on the willingness dial of effective parenting when your discomfort dial is going up as your child is working through pain and failure?

Yikes!

Foster Cline Video

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

Good morning friends!  This morning we will be watching an old video of Foster Cline, co-author of Parenting with Love and Logic, which is one of the texts we are using for the class.

This old video is titled “Daring to Parent in the Nineties,” and in it Foster describes the basic principles of his approach through personal examples and with great humor.  I believe its safe to say that parenting in the Two-Thousands, is not all that different than it was in the Nineties!  Dr. Cline, along with Dr. Jim Fay, founded the Love and Logic Institute.

I looked around online to see if this lecture was still available so that you, my dear readers, could get your hands on it.  However, I couldn’t find it anywhere.  I’m looking in to what sort of copyright issues might be involved with me at least making the audio available to you….

peace,

The Secret Lives of Children

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

This morning the parenting class participants and I will be discussing “A Child’s Secret Life,” by Parker Palmer.  This brief and moving section from his book, A Hidden Wholeness, offers a glimpse into Palmer’s understanding of what it means to say that we are all destined to be broken by life.  This passage is all the more poignant for me in light of Palmer’s two episodes of debilitating depression (His first experience with this darkness is described in his article “All the Way Down” and in his interview with Krista Tippett on the public radio program Speaking of Faith.)

Anyone raised in an evangelical church is likely to have been confronted with that dense and foreboding sentence found in Romans 3: 23, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Christian theology is right to confront us with our failure to choose the redemptive path, but scripture does not offer us much of a “developmental psychology” when it comes to sin.  Palmer provides one window into understanding how we, and our children, are lured down the path of brokenness before we can possibly be conscious of what is happening.

When our children are young, before they head off into the wider world of school, we have the opportunity to bathe them in the inoculating experiences of blessing, grace, and incarnation.  However, it can be hard to accept that our ability to protect them from the wounding realities of the jungle diminishes so dramatically when they get on the bus.

Watching, listening, and inviting become so important when school enters the picture.  Elementary age kids lack the ability to fully articulate what its like to face these challenges.  So we must watch, listen and invite.  We must watch their behavior, listen to what they are able to put in to words, and invite them to express themselves more fully.  And yet we still have to that accept the wall will appear — the wall that will separate them from their Authentic Selves in the name of survival, and the wall that will separate them from us.  I guess that sounds rather depressing, which is why we must also keep in mind the words of 2 Corinthians 5:19, “God is in Christ, drawing all things back to wholeness” (and yes, this is my own rather loose, and perhaps liberal, paraphrase).  If we lose our hope in the big picture, then our parenting will be infected with our anxiety, and we will parent from a place that is reactive, compulsive, and controlling.

So, here’s a couple constructive suggestions.

1. Reflect on how Palmer’s words help you to think about how your wall began to take shape as you entered school oh so many years ago.
2. Notice how you watch, listen, and invite with your kids.

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P.S.   Last week I found a box on my doorstep.  It contained several copies of A Little Book of Parenting Skills by Dr. Mark Brady, which he has graciously donated to participants in our parenting class.  If you’ve been following this blog, then you know I’ve recommended that parents keep up with his blog, “The Committed Parent.” At the risk of sounding a bit melodramtic, trying to parent without availing yourself of his wisdom and scholarship is a bit like trying to drive a car without brakes.  You can do it, and perhaps even reach your destination, but you’re just making things harder than they need to be!

Parenting with the UnGame

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

This past Sunday morning I was away from DaySpring fulfilling a speaking commitment made last Fall.  In my absence the lovely Holly – my longsuffering wife – agreed to step in and lead the group through a demonstration of how we enjoy the UnGame at our house.

The UnGame has no “goal” other than promoting conversation.  The original version comes with a game board that serves no other purpose than to get you to the cards.  So, at our house, we just use the cards.

A typical UnGame experience at our place usually begins as dinner is wrapping up.  Someone will say, “Let’s do an UnGame card.”  If we have guests, we explain the game, and everyone jumps in.

Each UnGame pack comes with two “levels” of cards.  Level one cards ask for fairly easy responses around items like, “Tell about your favorite pet.”  Level two cards ask a person to go a bit deeper around items such as, “Share something no one knows about you.”  Sometimes everyone will respond to each card.  Other times each person will pick a card from the stack and responds to his or her card.  There are some cards that allow you to make up a question.  So you could ask, “Whats the largest object you’ve ever gotten all the way up your nose?”  or “Which of your family members smells most like compost?”  As you can see, this is limited only by the degree of your pathology.

This simple little “game” has led to hours of energizing conversation with family and friends.  We have some guests who request that we pull out the cards whenever they visit our home.

My assistant, Jennifer, helped me put together a sample pack of cards for each family represented in the class.  Holly then divided the class up in to small groups, and they played.  She reported that she finally had to call time and stop the game since the worship service couldn’t start until they cleared out.

You can imagine that teens might have a little more trouble jumping in since one of their jobs is to be skeptical of ANYTHING that parents suggest.   However, our children started playing while they were too young to realize that parents are dorks.  So, start while they’re young and naive! (If your kids are already older, though, don’t fret.  We’ve seen more than a few teens get hooked, especially if you throw in an occasional reference to bodily noises.)

You can see all the different card packs here. If you give it a try, I bet you won’t regret it!

Blessing, Grace, and Incarnation

Note: On on January 11, 2009 I began facilitating a parenting class for DaySpring, the church I attend in Waco.  I’m going to be offering some of what I’m doing there in this space over the Spring.

This morning at DaySpring I’m going to be offering the participants in the parenting class a few more ideas about what it means to parent in a way that is “biblical.”

Last week (see previous blog entry) I used the ancient story of the Garden of Eden to discuss what it means to say that we are all “fallen.”  My take on that story is that the Judeo-Christian tradition teaches we were created to enjoy lives full of meaningful work and meaningful relationships, but that the inevitable strains of life break us.  Anxiety has thus become a key feature of life on this planet.  When driven by our anxiety we become reactive, compulsive, and avoidant.  We are tempted to take our anxiety to “idols, which may distract us, or soothe us, but can never transform us.  The spiritual task is to take our anxiety back in to relationship with God.  I contend that every one of the over 10,000 religions in the world offer some sort of process for doing just that.

Parenting from a bibilical perspective recognizes that our children are going to inevitably be broken in the same ways we all have been, and that one of our most important tasks is to teach our children how to take their anxiety to God rather than to idols (sounds quite simple, doesn’t it!).

When we meet this morning, everyone will have had the opportunity to read this article: Blessing, Grace, and Incarnation: The Foundations of the Spiritual Family.

In this article I suggest that there are 3 key spiritual experiences that support our ability to sit with anxiety, and to stay on the spiritual path.  These three experiences are

Blessing: Blessing experiences are encounters that communicate I am a unique creation of God, loved and valued for the mere fact that I exist.  The opposite of the blessing is the curse.  The curse communicates to me that I am a problem, and that those around me have to somehow contend with me and cope with me.

Grace: Grace experiences are encounters that communicate that mistakes are inevitable, and can not only be forgiven, but overcome. Grace gives me the freedom to move into life with boldness.  The opposite of grace is intolerance.  Intolerance communicates that I better not make mistakes because the price to pay is too high.  Intolerance pushes me to avoid life.

Incarnation: Experiences of incarnation are those encounters with people who love me and admire me, and who take the time to help me unpack the person whom God has created me to be.   The opposite of incarnation is manipulation. Experiences of manipulation occur when the people around me try to turn me in to what they want me to be rather than who God created me to be.

As with all aspects of parenting, we are called upon to parent well while contending with our wounds.  This morning I will be asking the participants in the class to reflect on their own experiences of cursing, intolerance, and manipulation.  But I will also be asking them to name and celebrate those along the way who have offered blessing, grace, and incarnation.

As I write this, I’m reminded of the great Baptist preacher, Carlyle Marney’s description of balcony people. Balcony people are those folks in our lives, past and present, who cheer us on from the balcony.  These are the people who love us, believe in us, and root for us.  I would say that these are the people who offered us blessing, grace, and incarnation.

Can you name a few of your balcony people?  Perhaps you’d like to honor one of them by simply naming them in the comments section of this blog.  My parents certainly fit in that category for me, but I’d also like to honor the memory of Curtis Clayborn, who was my Sunday School teacher in the 4th, 5th, and 6th grade (He loved his class of boys so much that he just kept moving up with us).